19 August 2020
One of [the Desert Fathers], Abba Dioscorus, was once found weeping by a younger monk. When asked why he did so, Dioscorus replied, ‘I am weeping for my sins.’ The young monk knew Dioscorus had led a valiant and holy life for many years, and said, ‘My father, you do not have any such sins.’ Dioscorus told him, ‘Truly, my child, if I were allowed to see my sins, three or four men would not be enough to weep for them.’ ‘If I were allowed to see my sins.’
The first step in our healing, then, is not being comforted. It is taking a hard look at the cleansing that needs to be done. This is not condemnation, but right diagnosis. It is not judgmentalism, because the judgment is evenly applied: All are sinners, all have fallen short. It is not false guilt, because a lot of the guilt we feel is in fact deserved; we are guilty. Forgiveness of past sins doesn’t cure the sickness in the heart that continues to yearn after more. We will remain sick until that healing begins, and it will be a lifelong process. What a relief it is to admit this."
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